Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Exacting Sun: Multi-lapsing or Intellectual Promiscuity?


"Then they would all go outside to lie in the sun, and no one would speak. Man diminishes man's powers. The world leaves them intact. Rose, Claire, Catherine, and Patrice lived, at the windows of their house, on images and appearances, consented to a kind of game they played with each other, receiving with laughter, friendship, and affection alike but returning to the dance of the sea and sky, rediscovering the secret color of their fate and finally confronted with the deepest part of . Gula would creep out, perpetually offended, a black question mark with green eyes, slender and delicate, suddenly seized by a fit of madness and pouncing on shadows" (88).

"What she had really wanted to talk about to Robert Duncan, however, that night in Melbourne when he indicated so firmly that whatever she offered did not interest him, was not girls visited by gods but the much rarer phenomenon of men condescended to by goddesses. Anchises, for instance, lover of Aphrodite and father of
Aeneas. One would have thought that, after that unforeseen and unforgettable episode in his hut on Mount Ida, Anchises -- a good-looking boyo, if one is to believe the hymn , but otherwise just a cattle herder -- would have wanted to talk about nothing else, to whoever would listen: how he had fucked a goddess, the most succulent in the whole stable, fucked her all night long, got her pregnant too.

Men and their leering talk. She has no illusions about how mortal beings treat whatever gods, true or feigned, ancient or modern, have the misfortune to fall into their hands. She thinks of a film she saw once, that might have been written by Nathanael West though in fact it wasn't: Jessica Lange playing a Hollywood sex goddess who has a breakdown and ends up in the common ward of a madhouse, drugged, lobotomized, strapped to her bed, while orderlies sell tickets for ten minutes a time with her.
' I wanna fuck a movie star!' pants one of their customers, shoving his dollars at them. In his voice the ugly underside of idolatry: malice, murderous resentment. Bring an immortal down to earth, show her what life is really like, bang her till she is raw. Take that ! Take that! A scene they excised from the televised version, so close to the bone of America does it cut" (184-185).

"...It is the meagerness of Christian feeling that disconcerts me, their rejection of this world in favor of a next which is -- to be tactful -- not entirely certain. Finally, one must oppose them because of their intellectual arrogance, which seems to me often like madness. We are told that there is only one way, one revelation: theirs. Nowhere in their tirades and warnings can one find the modesty or wisdom of a Plato, or that pristine world of flesh and spirit Homer sang of. From the beginning, curses and complaints have been the Christian style, inherited from the Jews, whose human and intellectual discipline is as admirable as their continuing bitterness is limiting and blighting" (384 ).


46 comments:

Σφιγξ said...

The title meant, is the expansive glance we give to each and every one of our media sources really missing the big picture, after all? Intellectual promiscuity, in the context of this question, means going from the book, the magazine, the radio, etc...

Σφιγξ said...

Did we arrive here from George Moustaki, a contemporary of Aragon, who covered Léo Ferré's L'Affiche rouge (1959)? Moustaki also wrote this in 1969:

La carte du tendre

Le long du fleuve qui remonte
Par les rives de la rencontre
Aux sources d'émerveillement
On voit dans le jour qui se lève
S'ouvrir tout un pays de rêve
Le tendre pays des amants

On part avec le cœur qui tremble
Du bonheur de partir ensemble
Sans savoir ce qui nous attend
Ainsi commence le voyage
Semé d'écueils et de mirages
De l'amour et de ses tourments

Quelques torrents de médisance
Viennent déchirer le silence
Essayant de tout emporter
Et puis on risque le naufrage
Lorsque le vent vous mène au large
Des îles d'infidélité

Plus loin le courant vous emporte
Vers les rochers de la discorde
Et du mal à se supporter
Enfin la terre se dénude
C'est le désert de l'habitude
L'ennui y a tout dévasté

Quand la route paraît trop longue
Il y a l'escale du mensonge
L'auberge de la jalousie
On y déjeune de rancune
Et l'on s'enivre d'amertume
L'orgueil vous y tient compagnie

Mais quand tout semble à la dérive
Le fleuve roule son eau vive
Et l'on repart à l'infini
Où l'on découvre au bord du Tendre
Le jardin où l'on peut s'étendre


Σφιγξ said...

http://www.histoire-image.org/site/oeuvre/analyse.php?i=1259

Σφιγξ said...

"A Ride to the Sea"

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/browse/90/6#!/20586684/0

Σφιγξ said...

It is really neither here nor there, but since I was studying the pylorus, there is a tie-in to the K1a haplotype (there are other subclades but I do not have that information from 23andme).

One of the exacerbating factors that sent my mother for inpatient treatment after my birth was the inability for her infant to keep down formula, projectile vomiting all night. I did not fully recover from reflux, as after a large meal, until my early twenties. The antrum and pyloric neck stretch by then, but I am rather sure it was congenital pyloric stenosis, which is autosomal dominant in firstborn males, but not exclusively. Since the unnamed sire may have had this in his family, concentrated by a genetic bottleneck in a community, it is probable that I inherited the condition. There was so much shame attached to being jilted, married, and failing to care for her first child, she probably will never tell me the exact details.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1399-0004.1981.tb01043.x/abstract;jsessionid=2DF8F07B18DBDC15967550E1D9F22A1D.f04t01

Σφιγξ said...

Since mtDNA is conferred exclusively by the maternal lineage, and my mother's K1a haplotype is common but not exclusive to the Ashkenazim, and my father was a Jewish Cypriot, who is to say how I came by it?

The study's geographical distribution roughly overlaps the haplomap:

http://www.eupedia.com/europe/Haplogroup_K_mtDNA.shtml#health

Σφιγξ said...

I notice that many in my cohort are turning to databases to flesh out the ambiguities of birth. For instance, I cannot verify it, but I was a little surprised that a woman contacted me (based on 23andme's tabulation of our alleles, 3rd cousins) to share genomes and surnames since she was desperately looking for her biological parents, who left her in a car.

Σφιγξ said...

You can look up your degrees on Astro.com. Extended Chart Selection. Check the Always Use True [North] Node and Always Use Descending [South] Node boxes:

http://aquaorfire.net/astrology/inside_degrees/inside_degrees.html

Inheritance/South Node SCORPIO 27

Three blue robin eggs.

Holding inside you a complete future vision. Preserving and guarding a limitless awareness of what can be and of what shall be. You feel so pervasively the impact of what you carry inside that each piece of it now becomes supercharged with meaning and archetypal power, beyond how it might seem to anybody else. Being in the preliminary stages of something so vast and staggering that even those stages feel momentous beyond conception. Just about bowled over by future destiny. The personal self of now is cast into shadow, seeming trivial, a throwaway. But so transported by prenatal resolves to go all the way this time that any sacrifice or difficulty is chalked up to necessary stages of rough process. And the inner mind holds its lodestar in view, and simply cooks inside till it's time to boil over.

Growth Path/North Node: TAURUS 27

A man sculpturing hedges into animal farms.

Making a great deal of something out of almost nothing is the mark of fantasy or uninhibited imagination. You prefer to be presented with basic, simple, and ordinary things. Inside your soul you turn these into what they originally were, releasing their primal power. When alchemy runs this close to the bone, it is astounding what it can do. Tackling longstanding knots and obstacles of every kind is sensed as nourishment and opportunity. A sacrificial incarnation can best frame itself in fantasy and imagination and thereby hug the edge between worlds perfectly. The path here is to stay under while peeking over the top, and to play it as straight as can be, while coming from an irrepressible source that can come through this peculiar form with flying colors.

Σφιγξ said...

The 4-degree separation/conjunction of the Sun and Uranus in Sagittarius:

Uranus: SAGITTARIUS 14

A terrarium filled with carnivorous plants.

Deposited in the jungle, the pit, the open sewer; exposed mercilessly to the worst chaos, multiplicity, and darkness the world has to offer. Toughened, seasoned, tempered under duress. Forced to get it. Magnetizing the collective crises and subcurrents can give you a crash course in what has happened to the world and what must be done about it. You feel especially keenly pulled to participate in situations where anything goes and you must live by your wits or else. This is the fast, hard way to get a refresher course in the tortures and the plagues, in order to come up with solutions and alternatives of the most avid, incisive, and irresistible kind.

Sun: SAGITTARIUS 18

Rose petals scattered on a path.

Protection, guidance, grace dispensation. Offered a way to move right through the middle of life's labyrinths and stay straight on. Your innate sanctity preserves you against the play of the opposites, you stay singular, straightforward. Throwing off complications and conundrums, you stick with what is sweet and eternal. Most essentially, you wear a cloak of innocence, a tightly fitting garment of unworldliness. And as you pass for a fortunate and blessed soul, it all turns out to be true.

Σφιγξ said...

On a beach, I was reading Elizabeth Costello. There were not any of the Day of the Locust goings on, but if I recall the guest speaker used her Classicist lectures to draw comparisons between factory farming and the Holocaust...human stearate soap. Vegetarianism was being practiced; spasmodically, by myself. I cannot feel good upholding those principles, so I try to be thoughtful instead.

The Anchises bit was about throwing out one's back; or, at least seeming, during the expanse of an hour.
As crass as that excerpt appears, one remembers that Anchises was duly punished for violating the sacred anonymity, of receiving something much greater than himself, for which he was paralyzed.

Loyalty in a relationship, per Alain Botton's group, is for some, a painful Utopian ideal, or the mark of true nobility. There are lovers who are true to each other, and they are nobility. I am for practicing devotion toward more constructive ends, where one can look back, amend, and augment, and feel that progress is taking place. Only when I disappoint you with something long awaited, that became muddled, do I feel it even more acutely as sexual failure, and I know that is irrational.


I do not feel Mersault's character; it is difficult to consign now.


Well, I had to read Julian after The City and the Pillar, Myra Breckinridge, and Myron.
I am not a shrinking violet with a low pain threshold. I am too conservative to waste money on intravenous hydration; that I do not have over two drinks (my limit), I know the symptoms of dehydration/electrolyte depletion, and seek actively balance. Pathologizing this or that is a tendency of very self-occupied people.

2014 is the year of the Green Wood Horse.

http://books.google.com/books?id=tnxo3dJH4j0C&lpg=PA204&dq=Ehwaz%20fetch&pg=PA204#v=onepage&q=Ehwaz%20fetch&f=false

Σφιγξ said...

That excerpt from 2009 was from The Life of Balso Snell, and not an edifying work in the sense that it is overrun with scatological humor and destructive conclusions about Western culture, and must be resisted.

"You once said to me that I talk like a man in a book. I not only talk, but think and feel like one. I have spent my life in books; literature has deeply dyed my brain its own color. This literary coloring is a protective one –like the brown of the rabbit or the checks of the quail–making it impossible for me to tell where literature ends and I begin."

The point of entry of the horse,
then, but all of our abstract entrances and exits, surely it is the most mysterious, for being common to all humanity.

Σφιγξ said...

*Alain de Botton

*Of course, I want that. It has been a tumultuous year. I am trying to think more of serving others, and of being less reactive than I have been.

Σφιγξ said...

Yes, Ehwaz is here, too. Thank you, for reminding me.

https://1drv.ms/i/s!AsA4BY25Ql_1jSBk9E09KNZTDGRz

Σφιγξ said...

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OBGV_o7SawNlfDHWiPrzUhi-Pb88-AIK/view?usp=drivesdk

Σφιγξ said...

https://books.google.com/books?id=TYf_WmVf75IC&lpg=PA83&dq=Giovanni%20Raboni%20%22Hospital%20Interiors%22&pg=PA84#v=onepage&q=Giovanni%20Raboni%20%22Hospital%20Interiors%22&f=false

Σφιγξ said...

Infectious disease's decision not to admin clindamycin or dapsone empirically based on the lab turnaround time for a G6DP test was ultimately a mortality situation. Or maybe not?

"Intravenous pentamidine may be somewhat less effective than trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole for the treatment of moderate to severe PCP.20 It is usually reserved for use in patients who do not respond to, or cannot tolerate, trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole. Serious adverse effects include nephrotoxicity, hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia, pancreatitis, arrhythmias (including torsade de pointes) and the subsequent development of frank diabetes.18 It is important to monitor blood glucose and creatinine levels and to watch for QT prolongation, especially during the last two weeks of therapy.

Trimetrexate (Neutrexin) is a significantly more potent inhibitor of DHFR than trimethoprim (Proloprim),18 so potent that hematopoietic cells must be protected through the coadministration of leucovorin. Although trimetrexate is significantly less toxic than trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole, it is also less effective.21 Because it is administered once daily, trimetrexate can be used in outpatients even though it is given intravenously. To mimic the sequential enzyme blockade provided by trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole, dapsone (100 mg orally) can be added to the regimen.

Besides trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole, several alternative treatment regimens can be used in patients with mild or moderate PCP. Therapy with dapsone and trimethoprim duplicates the sequential enzyme blockade of trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole.19 Although dapsone can trigger hemolytic anemia in patients with absolute (homozygous) glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase (G6PD) deficiency, black patients typically have relative (heterozygous) G6PD deficiency and tolerate dapsone therapy without significant hemolysis.

Clindamycin (Cleocin) plus primaquine is another useful oral combination. Anemia is a common complication of this therapy, but it is rarely due to hemolysis. Rash, which typically appears in the second week of use, may be severe and is more common than rash related to trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole.19

When trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole, dapsone-trimethoprim and clindamycin-primaquine were compared in patients with mild-to-moderate PCP, no significant differences were found in terms of either therapeutic failure or treatment-limiting toxicity; 54 percent of the subjects did not complete a full course of assigned treatment, primarily because of toxicity. Different problems occurred: the trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole group had a higher incidence of hepatitis; the dapsone-trimethoprim group had more nausea and vomiting; and the clindamycin-primaquine group had more anemia than the other groups.19 These results suggest that treatment selection may be tailored to the individual patient's preexisting laboratory abnormalities or other medical problems.

Atovaquone (Mepron), an antiprotozoal agent, has good activity against P. carinii but is limited by its modest and unpredictable bioavailability. Although it is less effective than either trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole or pentamidine, it is better tolerated.22,23

Despite effective antimicrobial therapy, mild to moderate episodes of PCP still carry a mortality risk of up to 9 percent.22 Determination of [A-a]DO2 is critical (Table 2) because the degree of impairment is the most important prognostic indicator. Almost all patients experience some deterioration in oxygenation within the first few days of therapy, probably because of the inflammatory response triggered by dying organisms.24 Although this decrease is not clinically important in mild disease, patients with poor pulmonary reserve may develop respiratory failure."

https://www.aafp.org/afp/1999/1015/p1699.html

Σφιγξ said...

While I was watering my plants, my turtle tan away, or else burrowed beyond reach. I watered everything with a hose to flush her out. Do not know what to do.

Σφιγξ said...

Ran*

Σφιγξ said...

Something made me look under the zinnias, tonight, and then I heard a "Quock!" Tyna was dehydrated (requiring a soak), but she is glad to be back in the bed, under the pillow cave, with the kitchen table blueberries and beetle larvae on demand. I feed her swaddled in a dish towel, as if her preference. Most vegetables are a non-starter.

I am not worried about Salmonella because she bathes regularly, particularly every time I take her outside. I clean her terrarium often; though, she does not like being in it.

Σφιγξ said...

https://books.google.com/books?id=6htCDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Kurlansky+Milk&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjg9Nme0I_mAhXhmOAKHU-mBZ4Q6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&q=Kurlansky%20Milk&f=false

Σφιγξ said...

https://loeildelaphotographie.com/en/rene-magritte-the-images-revealed-kk/

Σφιγξ said...

"The pentose monophosphate shunt is the only source for NADPH in red blood cells. Therefore, red blood cells depend on G6PD activity to generate NADPH for protection. Thus, red blood cells are more susceptible to oxidative stresses than other cells. In persons with G6PD deficiency, oxidative stresses can denature hemoglobin and cause intravascular hemolysis. Denatured hemoglobin can be visualized as Heinz bodies in peripheral blood smears processed with supravital staining."

https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/200390-overview#a5

Σφιγξ said...

At times, I cannot gather that the things of August, up for review in December, still apply. I have not heard what your plan is, as it seems relatively established and self-contained.

Σφιγξ said...

Yes, I will be finishing Milk, today.

Σφιγξ said...

According 23andme, I do not have the Val68Met variant in the G6PD gene linked to G6PD deficiency.

Σφιγξ said...

https://youtu.be/j-aSSLu3ctw

Σφιγξ said...

https://youtu.be/eWzhGtZuyEI

Σφιγξ said...

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-020-02136-4

Σφιγξ said...

https://www.google.com/books/edition/Collection_of_Sand/Jq7qDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=roland+barthes+%22sand%22&pg=PT82&printsec=frontcover

Σφιγξ said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2tbRZn7tpY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZU9ZtlkSnnE

Σφιγξ said...

The commentary on the series is that the chaos is too compressed, but I would counter that eight 28-minute episodes do not allow for a lot of backstory. The midcentury modern palette is dazzling.

https://www.dwell.com/article/best-midcentury-modern-paint-colors-111e82a1

I would like some company to punctuate the unremitting wait, but I hold back because nothing can be taken in isolation and without consequence.

Σφιγξ said...

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/09/10031038/real-lucia-from-ratched-hospital-filming-locations

https://www.sunset.com/food-wine/big-sur-mushroom-foraging

I am content to take pictures. It first started when I saw morels growing in alleys near my home, and then like birds, I started seeing them everywhere.

Yesterday, I spotted a yellow wingtip of the first cedar waxwing on the profusion of serviceberries from the backyard allée.

Σφιγξ said...

https://www.refinery29.com/amp/en-us/2020/09/10033446/ratched-costume-fashion-designer-green-color-meaning

Σφιγξ said...

"September 23, 2020, at around 5.28 am, Rahu will transit from Gemini to Taurus and will remain there till April 12, 2022."

https://www.pierreyovanovitch.com/en/architecture-2/en-quai-voltaire/

Σφιγξ said...

Ratched (2020) does a disservice to the profession for highlighting how she exceeds her scope. It is true that just as I try to forget the professional in-fighting and demands, the ugliness of humanity implicates me. Mother's Day in the hospital is the worst day of the year. I am already thinking of it, all of it, in the past tense, but I have to apply myself to exceed it.

I know better than to submit desires and requests, now.


Σφιγξ said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK1jTuH5yCk

This is typed as ambivalent dad rock, The National's 2023 album First Two Pages Of Frankenstein. It makes me think of walking in the dark after > three miles with the required fatigue to go to bed at last.




Σφιγξ said...

Maimonides (1138–1204) eight-rung ladder always:

" Giving an interest-free loan to a person in need; forming a partnership with a person in need; giving a grant to a person in need; finding a job for a person in need, so long as that loan, grant, partnership, or job results in the person no longer living by relying upon others.

Giving tzedakah anonymously to an unknown recipient via a person or public fund that is trustworthy, wise, and can perform acts of tzedakah with your money in a most impeccable fashion.

Giving tzedakah anonymously to a known recipient.

Giving tzedakah publicly to an unknown recipient.

Giving tzedakah before being asked.

Giving adequately after being asked.

Giving willingly, but inadequately.

Giving "in sadness" (giving out of pity).

Σφιγξ said...

I work Father's Day this year, after I return. Mother's Day was not horrible because they blocked beds. Without the continuous flow of incoming and outgoing patients, the few who worked could manage. I support this decision for patient care and for the staff.

You are right to question my proposal as another assumption hastily fashioned around intellectual promiscuity. I can only let my persistence speak for itself. At some point, you may ask yourself, perhaps there isn't a downside to finding out? If you come here, at my expense, and we are not compatible, what are you losing? You will have gained that knowledge. If you are here, I will be nice to you, and I would not pressure you to reveal or to do anything. The menu options of faith appear that way, but I know that I tend to intellectualize faith. To feel that I am making measurable progress gives me inner balance. I would follow you in the practice of your faith, if this is a concern.

One note: I have never worn that dumb nursing hat. I refused to appear with it in my graduation picture from nursing school, as I rightly maintained that with males among us, it is not a requirement, and even a vestige of holy orders to wear such headgear.


Σφιγξ said...

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/villa-noailles-turns-100-with-an-artful-renovation-courtesy-pierre-yovanovitch/amp

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/are-you-my-mother

Σφιγξ said...

Potential title: 3. (Gimel) Parcourir des yeux

Exercise 91.

Σφιγξ said...

In matters of faith, you will come this way. Not after the eyes, for which one strays.

Σφιγξ said...

When I speak for myself, I am not a gradualist, but I acknowledge that a complete lifestyle change is required. On several fronts, I have wanted change too rapidly, and I have ineptly practiced each.

I read the Artscroll siddur twice daily, and I read the parashat. I bought too many books, too quickly. I will add to the readings slowly; of course, all of my Exercises communicate with you and also serve as illustrations of what I learned.

Exercise 91.

Σφιγξ said...

https://books.google.com/books?id=4rbZDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT96&dq=aleph+bet+emunah+bitachon&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&source=gb_mobile_search&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjE0Lrf_NuFAxWrD1kFHQyGDwQQ6AF6BAgGEAM#v=onepage&q=aleph%20bet%20emunah%20bitachon&f=false

Σφιγξ said...

https://www.pilotonline.com/2024/05/09/once-ostracized-wild-horse-seen-wandering-outer-banks-is-now-a-mom-photos-show/

Σφιγξ said...

"Thiamine, a water-soluble B vitamin, is a cofactor necessary for carbohydrate metabolism and production of energy. Thiamine is also essential in neurotransmitter synthesis.1 As thiamine has limited tissue storage and a half-life of 10 to 20 days, deficiency may develop within a few weeks but has been described in as little as 3 to 14 days.2,
[...]
Severe thiamine deficiency can cause cognitive impairment (Wernicke's encephalopathy), peripheral neuropathy (“dry beriberi”), or heart failure (cardiac, or “wet beriberi”). Cardiac beriberi occurs as a result of decreased cardiac function from impaired cellular metabolism. Thiamine deficiency impairs production of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), leading to accumulation of adenosine. This increase causes reduction in systemic vascular resistance via direct vasomotor depression, leading to a compensatory high-output state with increased blood volume.8 Eventually, myocardial weakness develops, leading to systolic dysfunction and a low-output state. Ultimately, patients develop hypotension and complete cardiovascular collapse unless thiamine is provided.9 An acute form of cardiac beriberi—Shoshin beriberi—can also present with more sudden cardiogenic shock and imminent death.

Classically, patients with cardiac beriberi have been described as having heart failure with significant lower-extremity edema but upper-body cachexia. However, patients with calorie-rich but nutritionally poor diets, or those with recent changes in their diets, may not appear emaciated. Echocardiography may reveal reduced ejection fraction that is indistinguishable from other dilated cardiomyopathies. Some studies suggest the use of cardiac magnetic resonance imaging to establish a diagnosis based on increased T2 signal intensity due to myocardial edema, but other studies find that myocardial edema may not always be present.10, 11

Diagnosing thiamine deficiency with blood tests has limitations. Plasma thiamine is often the initial test of choice, but levels are strongly influenced by recent caloric intake. The patient in Case 1 had thiamine levels in the low-normal range but was likely deficient, as the value was nonfasting. Moreover, as less than 1% of total body thiamine is found in whole blood, a low level may not always be a sensitive indicator of true deficiency."

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2542454819300347#:~:text=Cardiac%20beriberi%20occurs%20as%20a,leading%20to%20accumulation%20of%20adenosine.

Σφιγξ said...

For instance, there is no going back. I read the evening prayer, and I did not finish it last night because I was so tired after taking a walk (not my usual mileage ~ 2 mi). I could not keep my eyes open to read. Usually, when I miss the Monday reading, I will it Tuesday, but it does not work like that.

I awoke at 3:30 paralyzed in fear by a malevolent presence. I immediately knew it was because I did not end the evening properly.

With the changes that haven taken root, I cannot pretend that they have not changed the higher and lower worlds.

https://books.google.com/books?id=qIPuEAAAQBAJ&pg=PT155&dq=hamapil&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&source=gb_mobile_search&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjdmP3Vgo2GAxVv6ckDHSFFBCcQ6AF6BAgFEAM#v=onepage&q=hamapil&f=false

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/5427144/jewish/The-Chilling-Voice-of-Amalek.htm