until we realize.

30

"In the dark the mind runs on like a devouring machine, the only thing awake in the universe. I tried to make out the walls , the dresser in the corner. It was the old defenseless feeling. Small, weak, deathbound, alone. Panic, the god of woods and wilderness, half goat. I moved my head to the right, remembering the clock-radio. I watched the numbers change, the progression of digital minutes, odd to even. They glowed green in the dark" (224).

"You would think from the way I rushed forth into the alleys, working my way through the fountains of every dirty little square and filthy gutter, in and under the sluices of each worn-out creaking shaduf, the breath of drunks in my face and the breasts of women rustling against me in many a crowd, that I, with freedom to act like a servant loose in a crowd, would know how to look, but I was in such a panic that Nefertiri was near and I did not see Her-- my sense of Her as near to me most compelling -- that the more I walked, the less certain I became of finding Her. Then the crowd became a panic for me as well. I was not used to being jostled aside by men whose clothes were whiter than mine, and was soon in such a rage that their drunkenness left me with vertigo. But then I was full of many desires that went in different directions. At each brush with a strange body, I was ready to throw the man to the ground, yet my longing for Nefertiri must also have been in my eyes because no whore failed to smile at me, and some wore balls of wax so powerful with perfume -- and such foul stuff! --that I felt surrounded by molderings of honey and old sweat. Yet, when I pushed into a beer-house jammed with louts and soldiers, as well as every kind of poor bewildered stranger from every little river-town who had come along with his God from up or down the river, I commanded so little attention that I had to grab the waitress by the arm to get a beer and that almost brought on a fight. Then, the air stank. Drunks were throwing up on the dirt floor, and this crowd, forever ignorant of palace etiquette, were kneading their pates into the earth without a pause " (613).

"The only persons who have been able to support endless free time without damaging society have until now been the polymath, the scholar, the scientist and the artist; the person of multiple culture. The only work that can never end is the pursuit and expression of knowledge" (132).