Saturday, July 10, 2010

Passifloras (vines)



And there you sit, waiting. We both go to psychiatrists, forsaking the old farmhouse.
The hand remembers the pitch-black arrows when the room had been transformed,
Rusting nails mistaken for fields of woodgrain. He persists in speaking off premises
Of tangles meant to last a day, and yet they thrum the broken teeth of the comb too closely.
Knowing your tactful agreement, and who among the variant musicians it pleases
All I ask is consciousness. Embargoed by ease, rebellion perhaps, despite the darkening


In the floorboards, look to wine and worlds for 
inspiration, attitudes to our science darkening,
Where human bodies grow in the same way, as rope molding frames a converted farmhouse. 
An intimation of the troubles ahead, and with the moth wings composed, once again it pleases
Our notions of them, all clearly perishing; heavy hammers penetrating ever deeper to its fluid form,
Your bright shadow once again grasping at the corner of another memory, and watching closely
For someone catching, if 
not, then unobtrusive, upright, and honest. Not comely, the premises 

Observed, your sad morning face caught between the shafts. That, imagining missed premises
Pressed together like maypops. Hollow, with their dimpled seeds. What with a scale darkening
Without giving ground, your hand slips in the binding. Well aware of 
being abandoned, closely 
Pitching at the spike. All inside your head is demolished; a bet in exchange for your life, that farmhouse
Where some treasured species of mattock or rake is carried off, a garage transformed   
Into facsimiles of all the closets in the house. I longed to be back gardening, just as it pleases

To regrow your neck. Devourers, and not just our fruits, undergo a divisioning of circles so well-pleased
At preserving our saints. Without a doubt, each has that persistent botanic splice. Except our premises
Baked in pots; an afternoon rainstorm arriving late. Exchanges of a few words and nods formed
A few grains worth retrieving from the heap. But it starts you off again, your machinery darkening 
In the yard, perhaps the rest follows in its turn. Everyone but strays have left the farmhouse
To do a trade. We strain to hear the sex noises they would make. Coming and going, closely

Chiding ashes of last autumn's leaves. It comes like all tonic bottles issuing from here, closely,
Grasping for subtler taxonomic clues...
 

3 comments:

Σφιγξ said...

I wrote this when I was very hurt at the time. I have since then come to a few conclusions:

(1) it costs more, not less, to pursue a pastoral life; if overlooking the transit time to
work and school
(2) caring for my grandparents in their last years has made me very thoughtful about the
life that I want; a relationship with one's partner and/or children must normalize this
transition to skilled care- I thank my grandparents (who mostly raised me) for their
generosity, given freely, with the reminder and the demonstration to others that one
may realistically become dependent and need consideration. They were quite independent
up until their late 90s, which is quite an accomplishment. It is a damning indictment
to outwardly care for others, for the social currency, and neglect loved ones in a time
of need. I do not feel that this time has held me back because it would not square with
my conscience to leave, just like the life I will have in the future will require my
full attention, and I will not leave if it gets difficult.
(3) I see that it will be attainable to finish my BSN in July 2018, obtain my PCCN
certification, and apply to a two-year hybrid FNP program, which requires one year of
experience and a BSN. The ideal situation would be to work three days a week as an
off-shift APRN, which collapses a 40-hour work week into three days. Then, after I
increase my earning potential with a specialty certification, I will continue to pay
down that debt, and evaluate medical school. Having experience with hospital
processes and patient loads, I think that being a hospitalist, with seven days on and
seven days off, would be the next step in my career development. The intimation that I
get from my experience thus far is that I will work until my last breath, and this is
okay, and that one's tolerance for long hours increases with maturity. My progressed
Sun is in Capricorn until I am 48 years old. I will have to continue to apply myself to
have a stable, comfortable life, and I do not expect for it to be provided for me.
(4) a mid-life risk with me is something that you and your cohort frequently reiterate,
and all that I can provide in my defense is that this channel of communication has
made me deliriously happy and optimistic, where I would have little reason to be. You
must protect yourself legally, and I will be compliant to the agreed upon terms.
(5) I have lived my life without the thought that I would ever call anyone back to a
public ceremony, just as I have put off forming another relationship with a primary
physician (too painful to be that vulnerable with a clinician that would scrutinize
my life or sexual choices), so I will need to be more mature and tolerate others and
a community more than I do, myself.
(6) having a shared religious practice as a couple, even if it feels forced at times,
is more empowering for a marriage; the thought of amoral, technology-driven zombie
children terrifies me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-_0AFZUxAw

Σφιγξ said...

The inspiration, if I remember correctly. I still like it, and I would like to do it.

https://www.marthastewart.com/269583/golden-passionflower-vine-tabletop

Σφιγξ said...

Exercise 91.

I was reading from an internal medicine textbook from 1966 about gout and tophi, and that the qualitative test to distinguish sodium urate crystals versus calcium pyrophosphate dehydrate or "CPPD" from synovial sampling was to flame test with a Bunsen burner. If the chalky mass dissipated completely in the flame, it was sodium urate, but if the sample burned brick red, it was positive for calcium of CPPD.

https://meijitechno.com/gout-testing/

https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Elements/J90PQpnE5l4C?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=calcium%20flame%20test%20brick%20red&pg=PA323&printsec=frontcover

I am not suspicious for gout, just reading.