"A certain man," said Rex, as he turned round the corner with Margot, "once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That's what I like about coincidence." --Vladmir Nabokov, Kamera obskura, or Laughter in the Dark
The God of Inattention
by Averill Curdy
After the trumpets, after the incense
There were nights insomnia fathered gods
I then rejected as too angry or distracted,
Or whose appetite for submission revealed
Their own lack of faith. Say our names,
All synonyms for trust. Others spoke
In sugared paradox: To know is to know
All. To not know all is not to know. To know
All requires that you know very little,
But to know that little you have to know
All . And for a while, it's true,
I burned in the dark fires of ambivalence,
My attention consumed like oxygen.
I'd wake up tired, as I had with the married man
Whose strictures and caprice begat,
And begat, and begat, and begat
My love for him, harvesting the same
Silence from my bed. Who listens
To my penitential tune? Who accepts
My petitions for convenient parking,
For spring, for the self illuminated
Across a kitchen table, for . . . for
Fortitude? I've heard a voice, I'm sure,
Advising me to drop this sentimental farce.
Only to hold the smoke of their names
Again in my mouth I'd resurrect
The dead, or adopt the gods orphaned
By atheists, except the gods they've made
From disbelief no one's faith could tolerate.
Refusing to make the same mistake
Just once, I've cried out to the dark
Many names, most given up as routinely
As the secrets of friends. If you're a cup
Will my lips profane your own? If a comb
Will I feel your teeth against my neck?
If a wall I will be darker than your shadow.
And if a door I will unlatch you, letting in
All the little foxes from the vineyard.
Source: Poetry (May 2004).
I like how this poem resonates with my weariness for intervention. I am at work all weekend, and I have so much school work to do. Resignation is best for tackling the check-off lists.
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My fear of being cut-off in a knee-length dress drives my passion for tight pants. I am a little obsessed with my height, like a Napoleon in reverse...a stature discloses an ego in miniature.
I like his menswear most often, but Alexander McQueen has done something with his La Dame Bleue collection:
http://www.alexandermcqueen.com/flash.html
Can you guess which I like the best from 1-15?
How strange, looking back at my first and only reading of Laughter in the Dark; I was fourteen, but I cannot say that I was ever aspiring to be an actress, or a trick. It was a Martial age then, and then I suddenly did not care about being a woman in my late twenties. Can one imagine going back and forth about costumes when the stance is that everyone is self-determined? The projects and experiences one needs, at a certain point, are limited in as far as one's input of energy.
Fish then were not a dominant vibration. And it is true, I never felt that I could be matched in my resolve or values to contemplate such things. When I carry on, it is not that I have lost my capacity to discover and appreciate you. There things because of your position I do not want to treat lightly in my somewhat offhand manner, often from being insecure. While I do think the individual and shared experience of being; coincidentally, women, has something human to say about life in general. Histriography, psychogeography, cosmology contain the underlying sentiment of skepticism that resolves temporarily, and is then reexamined.
When I think about many documented reactions to Christianity, I feel my own experience contracted through unwanted intermediaries, so much so that I for years avoided having to experience that community as a single? woman. Religious life is perhaps easier for couples, and although the devils insert their impishness in moments of mental discord, I have felt the lack of being spiritually grounded. That is not to say that I have not experienced evil so palpably, it is unmistakable.
Therefore, how could we contemplate a relationship leaving out that context, of being admitted in place where being who we are, (c)overtly, is the least important qualifier.
Pisces. No, I have not dated, nor computed the data, with that heading. Two fish crossing the Ecliptic; a dolphin is a marine mammal.
https://www.acsonline.org/rissos-dolphin
https://youtu.be/1r424Snx--0?si=z1HzlAtTDftVF8oU
https://youtu.be/O97iSjvqBlY?si=Q0KSEv_Zr72gE6jK
https://youtu.be/UOxOiC1fT_8?si=gsaL5IWYYmggQo4S
https://astrofix.net/brainstorm-chiron-descendant-aspects/#1679406261287-2b9ec9e3-d7d1
I don't think I am, or ever have been, asexual. The pain that comes with chasing impulses has taken a long time to remediate. I always tell myself that I do not have to decide anything, tonight. Night after night.
I have to disavow the Andrew Haigh film. I cannot embrace that anymore.
I would love to have a spouse to have sex with on Saturday afternoon. I am not asexual, but I still think that if someone does not have serial partners there are compelling reasons, to be divergent, in that way.
What I observe from my brother's kids:
https://youtu.be/54q9PEtvWT8?si=VgHjpEsI3YOH45bG
For the first time, the girl my brother brought in our lives, can control two children, and an entire household.
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