Curse with seven nails below Telegraph Street, credit Ann Raia
"At the lighthouse I made my way along the picket fence. I watched as the beam swept and flattened out on the sea. I thought of how many times I had stood watching this from a cliff. How the beam caught a trawler, miniaturizing it like a toy boat on the full yellow moon, the firmament surrounding. Black. How the kittiwakes and gulls flicked darkly through the beam. At such times, you had to figure that Botho August would see these night birds, and that the trawler crew saw them as well--the night birds is what they had in common between them. I remember Romeo Gillette saying, 'A ship in trouble is exactly the same distance from the lighthouse as the lighthouse is from it--a simpleminded fact, except if you're shipboard and about to capsize, that particular fact holds out no hope whatsoever. You simply hate the lighthouse keeper for being safe and warm, and mostly for you having to rely on him. And yet you pray he's in top form'" (146).
Two Epigrams to The Notebooks of Don Rigoberto:
Man, a god when he dreams, barely a beggar when he thinks. --Hölderlin, Hyperion
I cannot keep a record of my life through my action; fortune has buried them too deep: I keep it through my fantasies. --Montaigne
Chapter Nine: "The trouble is all in the knob at the top of our bodies. I'm not against the body or the head either: only the neck, which creates the illusion that they are separate. The language is wrong, it shouldn't have different words for them. If the head extended directly in the shoulders like a worm's or a frog's without that constriction, that lie, they wouldn't be able to look down at their bodies and move them around as if they were robots or puppets ; they would have to realize that if the head is detached from the body both of them will die" (87).
...
"Why had they strung it up like a lynch victim, why didn't they just throw it away like trash? To prove they could do it, they had the power to kill. Otherwise it was valueless: beautiful from a distance but it couldn't be tamed or cooked or trained to talk, the only relation they could have to a thing like that was to destroy it. Food, slave or corpse, limited choices" (110).
11 comments:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2882282/
To be answered, recuperated, in time. It is strange re-reading this forgetting most of the bile.
https://www.sheffield.ac.uk/news/nr/guillemot-eggs-shape-seabirds-climate-change-puffins-uk-1.799938
https://youtu.be/9_igc2Iv8II
Exercise 90.
Exercise 90. Late entry. Thank you for reminding me.
https://1drv.ms/i/s!AsA4BY25Ql_1mx1h6W8Y91QaAAL7
"Marjorie came in, and a chandelier in the middle of the ceiling lit up, a monstrosity of orange and blue glass. 'Here we are. Sit down for a minute and let me get rid of this junk, then we'll have a drink. Okay? Can you stand scotch and water without ice? My landlady doesn't believe in Frigidaires. We have a big old lump of ice, I can chip some—'
'Scotch and water is fine. I've about lost the taste for ice.'
'I won't be a second.'
'Take your time.'
He paused at the French doors that opened into the dining room. He made a comic gesture with the two brown bags. 'I can't get over how superb you look. And how glad I am to see you. I wish to hell you'd come a week later, that's all, seeing you've waited so long.'
'Why? Why a week later?'
'Well, we will talk in a minute.'
There was a framed picture of a blond woman on the piano; Noel came back in a minute or so and caught her studying it. He still had his coat on and he was carrying two brown drinks. 'Here you are. What do you think of my landlady?'
'Is this Gerda Oberman?'(516)"
-Herman Wouk's Marjorie Morningstar (1955)
I always take the suspicion of being accused of a distant infatuation as a cover for your very real, very ongoing attachments. This is why you do not want to upset the circumstances.
Exercise 91 will go here.
To the last thought, I will never know because you will never tell me.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships
According to Salary.com, the average Progressive Care Nurse salary in Virginia is $85,740 as of March 26, 2024, and I have made above the higher bound, $93,217, for several years. In an administrative position at my hospital, I would be compensated less in a salaried position. The obligations to manage a floor, for example, would be assumed without a commensurate rise in pay, which is unthinkable for me.
I would not contemplate a profession without billable hours (accounting) or overtime. In my current position, I work long hours until the job is done, yet it is unthinkable to steal overtime from my employer as many do.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00148-024-00981-5
https://law.yale.edu/sites/default/files/documents/pdf/Intellectual_Life/Stevenson_ParadoxDecliningFemaleHappiness_Dec08.pdf
I would be interested in learning your position(s) on these studies.
Are survey responses from female nurses median age ~38 from 1989 to 1993 generalizable to 2024?
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2590113323000020
"Researchers conclude that these patterns of declining happiness may be an indication of changing realities for women; they note that 'life satisfaction may have previously meant ‘satisfaction at home’ and has increasingly come to mean some combination of ‘satisfaction at home’ and ‘satisfaction at work.’ This averaging over many domains may lead to falling average satisfaction if it is difficult to achieve the same degree of satisfaction in multiple domains."
https://journalistsresource.org/race-and-gender/paradox-declining-female-happiness/
To reconsider this article:
"A number of theories have been proposed to help understand the dynamics of marriage and wellbeing. For instance, the Health Protection Model posits that marriage may protect health and wellbeing through improving one's financial stability, increasing social support, as well as enhancing adherence to social norms against risky behaviors via increased social control from the spouse and an enhanced sense of responsibility for the family [17,18]. The model is supported by the empirical evidence that the married versus the unmarried often have higher levels of material wellbeing, social support, psychological wellbeing, and engagement in healthy lifestyles [12,19,20]. Conversely, marital dissolution is often associated with financial hardships, loneliness, depression and increased risky behaviors, leading to unfavorable biological profiles and adverse health [10,13,19]."
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2590113323000020
I may just be a progressive care nurse, but I will prove it to myself that I am intellectually capable of applying the intensive care rota in another certification exam. It would increase my stress to fight for someone's life all day, transport them with their drips and ventilator to various places in the hospital (there is no transport for ICU since the nurse and RT remain with them at all times); return home late, very tired, and then be accused of letting my home duties slide.*
The thought occurred to me today, after reading about Marjorie, that while you appreciate the attention I have given you, and wanting you after all these years, we will not end up together.
Sometimes, it takes time to realize the obvious. I realized it then, when you moved out of state two years ago.
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